Grandma’s Boy

Unfortunately, I was never able to develop a relationship with my biological mother. We didn’t have anything in common and could never get along with each other. Our relationship was terrible throughout my entire childhood. Thankfully the love I wasn’t able to find from my Mom I could get from my two grandmothers.

As a child, I would get dropped off at my Grandmother’s house when my parents needed babysitting. There was no greater feeling than knowing I would be spending the day with them. At my Grandma’s house, I had two of my Grandmothers. My Dad’s mother “Della” and my Grandma Della’s mother “Lucille,” who was my Great Grandma.

I always loved both of my Grandma’s but initially formed a stronger bond with my Grandma Della.

My Grandma Della was the joy of my life growing up. I clung to her, and she provided me all the love I was missing at home. We spent a lot of time together watching TV, playing board games, and just hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. It was well known in the family I was her favorite grandchild. She never had a lot of money but made sure to help out when she could. When they passed out catalogs for books at school, she always gave me money to help buy a book.

Unfortunately, my Grandma Della died of breast cancer when I was young. I saw her gradually lose her life which was a sad experience. As her cancer developed, she became unhappy, lost weight, and began losing her hair. She went through chemotherapy, but it only helped so much, and like countless other women, she lost her life to the disease. I saw her in the hospital in her dying days, bald with multiple tubes connected to her body. It was very grim to see my Grandma die, and I have no doubt if she were alive now, she would be my best friend.

After she passed away, all the attention I gave to her went to my Great Grandmother Lucille. Even though I spent a lot of time with my Grandma Della, I still had a very strong relationship with my Grandma Lucille since they both lived together.

My Great Grandma Lucille, aka Mom, was a blessing to everyone in our family. She helped raise everyone and even treated kids that weren’t hers like they were her own. She grew up working in fields picking fruits and vegetables and spent most of her adult life working in a factory. When she retired, she loved to relax and watch game shows like ” The Price is Right” and John Wayne western movies.

Mom was very loving and caring and would help anyone however she could. She was the rock and centerpiece of the family—more than anything, she loved spending time with her family members. I can’t recall ever hearing her complain about money or not having material things.

As I got older, I spent more time with my Grandma Lucille. The funny thing about our relationship is we never have deep conversations about my personal life or problems. She just loves me, and I love her. There are some people in life that you like to be around because they have a positive energy and calmness to them, and my Grandma Lucille was that type of person for me.

There were times when I felt like I didn’t have any friends and everything was going wrong in my life, but she would always be there for me, indifferent to the chaos surrounding me. In life, I feel like the most common type of love is conditional (I’ll love you as long as you provide x or do y for me), but I can genuinely say that the type of love I got from her was unconditional. She loved me, even during times I know I didn’t deserve to be loved.

If I had a bad day, I could always go to her room and find her sitting in her chair watching TV or quietly reading a book. Sometimes I’d lay on her bed and watch a Lifetime movie with her even though I couldn’t stand them just to be around her.

There was a short time period when I was a young adult where I had to share a room with her temporarily. One night I was lying down around 1 AM, and I was listening to Jay-Z’s song “Lost One.” In the third verse of the song, Jay-Z talks about a loss that occurred in his family. It made me think for a moment about a day where I would no longer have my Grandmother with me. I listened to her heavily breathing while she slept, and I started to cry on the floor next to her. I hadn’t thought about the fact that she was in her 90s, and inevitably there would be a day when she would pass away, and I would no longer have her with me.

I started to develop a sense of urgency and prioritized checking in with my Grandma every chance I got. As soon as I came home from work, I would go to her room and say hi, and before I went to sleep, I would kiss her good night. On nights I was too tired to walk across the house, I would call her and tell her goodnight over the phone.

I started to really understand how much she meant to me. When I thought about my life as a whole, it sunk in how much she had done for me and how she had become my primary source of love and affection. I have many other family members who love and care about me, but she gave me that motherly love that’s so important for a man to have.

As my Grandma got older, she began needing more care and attention. It got to the point where she needed help getting out of bed and going to the bathroom. I started worrying all day while I was at work that she would hurt herself or be defenseless if someone were to break in. Eventually, her daughter volunteered to take care of her. It was bittersweet for me. She had more or less lived with me my whole life, and now she was moving to a place that was about two hours away from my house.

Ultimately, I knew she needed full-time care and quickly came to peace with the decision. I felt comfortable knowing she had someone there 24/7 to assist her. My family and I agreed we would visit as frequently as possible and make routine phone calls to check on her.

My Grandma recently turned 97 and is still doing well to this day. For everything that went wrong in my life, I feel forever blessed I’ve got to enjoy my Grandmother’s presence this long and pray that she’s with me even longer. I felt like giving up many times in my life, but she inspired me to keep going despite all the adversity I was going through.

2pac has a line in his song “Thugz Mansion” where he says

“So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times
I once contemplated suicide, and woulda tried
But when I held that 9, all I could see was my mama’s eyes

It reminded me of times I felt hopeless in life but knew my Grandma needed me not to give up and continue. I’m forever grateful for my Grandmothers and what they’ve done for me. I know because of them how important love is and how it can help someone get through life and all the challenges it presents. Even though my Grandma Della passed away, I’ll always keep her in my heart, and I’ll continue loving my great Grandma Lucille until her final day.

Update

In March of 2020, I called my Grandma to let her know I was coming to visit soon, but her daughter answered the phone in tears. I asked her what was wrong, and she informed me my Grandma wasn’t doing well. I told her to stay strong and let her know we would be coming over this weekend. The conversation left me with a bad feeling, but I assumed my Grandma was just having a bad day and nothing too dramatic was happening.

The next day I woke up and headed to work to start my shift. About an hour after I arrived, I got a text from my family saying that my Grandma had been transported to a hospital and to come home. I immediately gathered my stuff and left work. Once I got home, my family and I started driving to my aunt’s house to meet up and head to the hospital.

Once we got to the hospital, we parked the car and began a long walk to the emergency room. When we finally got there, the receptionist asked us questions about our health to ensure we weren’t a danger to anyone in the hospital. This was around the time the Coronavirus started taking over the news, and hospitals were beginning to implement strict rules as to who could come to visit at the hospital.

I waited my turn and had no idea what to expect when I got to my Grandmothers’ room.

Eventually, one of my family members came down and told me it was my turn to go up. I started walking nervously to my Grandmas’ room. When I arrived at her room, I saw her heavily sedated in a coma like state. Her arms were bruised, and she looked like she was in extreme pain. Tears began dropping down from my eyes as I observed my Grandma dying in front of me. I walked up close to her and started talking to her. I told her that I loved her, and she meant everything to me. She couldn’t talk back to me, but it looked like she could hear what I was saying because when I was telling her how much I loved her, it looked like she smiled.

I left her room and headed back to the lobby. When I got there, a nurse was meeting with my family. They informed us they were moving forward with hospice care at my aunt’s house. As soon as I heard the word “Hospice,” it fully registered with me that my Grandmother was going to die. I listened to what the nurse told my family but couldn’t fully focus because I was so upset at the situation.

After meeting with the nurse, everyone decided to go home and meet back at my aunts the following day when they were scheduled to transport my Grandma out of the hospital. They asked if we wanted to see her again before we left, and most of us declined. My Grandma looked terrible, and I personally didn’t want to see her in that state again.

We returned home, and I did my best to relax for the remainder of the evening. Early in the morning, close to 1 AM, I got a text from my aunt informing me that the doctors said my Grandma wasn’t likely going to make it to the morning. My family and I headed over to the hospital, but on the way there, I got another text updating me that my Grandma had passed away. As a courtesy, they left her body in the hospital room so we could see her one last time.

We got to the hospital and headed to her room. Once we walked in, I saw my Grandma laying on her bed with her head tilted up and mouth slightly open, motionless and dead. We sat in the room in silence for a few moments and then left. When I kissed my Grandma on her forehead on the way out, I could feel the coldness of her lifeless body.

The first thing I noticed when my Grandma passed away was the intense feelings of regret that suddenly attacked my mind. I should have called more, I should have visited more, etc. Even though I know I was a good grandson, I started to think about all the times I missed an opportunity to see her. As soon as someone passes away, we immediately see where we fell short in the relationship, no matter how big or small that ends up being. 

Ironically enough, we were supposed to visit my Grandma a week before she passed, but my family rescheduled to the following weekend when she ended up dying. I always warned my family it was dangerous to reschedule visits because we didn’t know when my Grandma was going to pass. So the first thing I wanted to do when she died was to yell at my family like, “I told you so! we could have had one more visit, but because you wanted to reschedule, she died, and we didn’t get to have one last visit”.

I held my tongue because I know my family had no way of knowing my Grandma would die. Obviously, if they would have known she only had one more week to live, they wouldn’t have canceled our visit. Still, it hurt to have my Grandma taken away from me a few days before I was scheduled to see her again.

Even though I’m sad she’s gone, I feel blessed she got to live for 97 years. I can’t really complain about her death when most people’s grandparents don’t make it anywhere near that age. I’m grateful she was with us that long, and I’m glad I let her know how much she meant to me before she passed. I don’t think there’s anything worse than losing someone you love and knowing inside that you never told them that you loved them. Death is real and random, so you want to make sure you say what you want while you still have the opportunity.

As for now, my angel and I have been separated. If I’m lucky enough to make it to heaven, we’ll reunite again someday. Until then, I’ll cherish our memories and keep them close to my heart. She was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I miss her dearly. There will never be another person I love as much as her, and even though she’s gone, I’ll always consider myself a Grandma’s boy.