Standing Up For Yourself (A Lesson From Frederick Douglas)

I’ve let people walk all over me my entire life. I wasn’t born with a mean bone in my body, and standing up for myself has always been a struggle. Whether the disrespect was verbal or physical, I’ve consistently backed down in situations where I should’ve spoken up and made it clear they were crossing the line. Of course, being passive like this only resulted in more abuse, since some people viewed me as easy prey. Someone they could use to boost their ego because they knew I wouldn’t fight back if push came to shove.

My origin story of passivity can be traced to the time I got sucker punched in sixth grade. School had just ended, and I was walking out of the back entrance with my friends. It was crowded, and some kid I’d never seen before walked up and punched me square in the face. Completely unprovoked. Just like that. Everyone gathered around us and began egging me on to fight back. I was shocked by what happened. I froze and didn’t hit him back. This wasn’t some intimidating kid who was bigger than me, either. Had we fought, I could’ve held my own.

He didn’t hit me again, and the mayhem died down. My friends and I took our usual walk to a nearby Carl’s Jr., but we were all in a somber mood. My homies asked why I hadn’t swung back, but I couldn’t come up with an answer. We were almost there when the kid who hit me emerged from an alley on the same side of the street. He was completely alone. You could see the worry on his face. He knew he’d just attacked me, and now he was surrounded by my crew. I could’ve gotten revenge, and my friends would’ve helped me jump him, but I gave him a pass and let him escape. He fled the scene, knowing he would’ve been in a world of trouble if he’d pulled that on someone tougher than me at the time.

The next day at school, my best friend kicked me out of our crew for not fighting back.

You might hear this story and assume it was a major turning point for me. That I went home, looked at myself in the mirror, and vowed never to back down from anyone again. That the next time someone tried to punk me, I would stand on business and check them for disrespecting me. But nope. That’s not what happened. I continued avoiding conflict for many years. I had a chronic case of nice guy syndrome, and people sensed it and took advantage of me.

It wasn’t until later in life that I got into a nasty clash with someone who forced me to examine my tendency to shrink during conflict. I got into it with a film director who snaked me harder than anyone I’d ever encountered. The dispute escalated fast, and he sent his bodyguard to intimidate me. Of course, he sent his camera crew to film the encounter so he’d have footage he could hold over my head and threaten to release online. It was an ugly scene, and if there were a TV series where each episode showed a different time I failed to stand up for myself, this would be the season finale.

After this guy finished disrespecting me, I felt disappointed that I hadn’t done more to stand up for myself. I needed to toughen up and assert myself, especially since it was being recorded. But my “Standing Up For Myself” muscle was so weak from never being used that I couldn’t tap into the energy needed to fight back. I just defaulted to my old habit of submitting to the aggressor.

Even if I get Alzheimer’s disease, I’ll never forget how that guy made me feel that day. The pain forced me to address my lifelong issue of folding under pressure. The change wasn’t instantaneous, because I was still timid for a while after, but I gradually started defending myself when situations called for it.

The first person to test my new resolve was a smug customer I used to deliver weed to when I worked at a dispensary. He lived in an affluent neighborhood and never gave me friendly vibes or tipped me for delivering his weed.

I arrived at his house one evening for his routine delivery, but he wasn’t there. No text letting me know what was going on or anything. I was irritated, but the protocol was to give customers a 10-minute grace period before leaving. Right before his grace period expired, he pulled up in front of his house. He parked his truck and walked past my car without acknowledging me.

I figured he must’ve rushed inside to grab some cash, so I waited patiently. After a few minutes, he still hadn’t come out, so I looked through the window and saw him in the kitchen laughing with someone. Taking his sweet time and making me wait like I was his bitch.

I sped off, and my phone started ringing before I even turned the corner. I answered, and he begged me to come back. He apologized profusely, but I let him have it. I told him he was always rude to me and made it clear that if he ever disrespected me like that again, I’d stop delivering to him.

When I got back to his house, I gave him his weed, and he tipped me for the first time. He probably felt like a huge dick and knew he was wrong. That exchange established a new level of respect between us, and we never had any problems again. He even started tipping me more frequently. More important than the money, though, I stood my ground and felt stronger for speaking up.

The old me would’ve never said anything to this guy. I would’ve let him finish his conversation inside and said nothing when he finally got to my car. You would’ve heard crickets chirping before you heard a word out of my mouth.

In life, we teach people what we’re willing to tolerate. Letting disrespect slide may keep the peace in the moment, but it can invite worse treatment later. Bullies usually target people they perceive as unlikely to defend themselves. The best way to confuse a bully is to stand up to them. They’re not expecting you to fight back.

Have some self-respect and let people know it’s not okay to mess with you. They’ll often retreat once they realize you won’t put up with their bullshit. If you’re naturally friendly, being assertive won’t come easy, but your life will get easier once you learn to handle confrontation. Yes, you’ll have to deal with unpleasant emotions when you speak up for yourself, but doing so can save you from the prolonged misery of allowing disrespect to go unchecked.

It’s important to distinguish which battles are worth fighting. You don’t have to respond to every perceived slight. Sometimes it’s better to stay silent and ignore people who are only trying to get a reaction. If it’s somebody you’ll have to deal with regularly, you should speak up before they get comfortable disrespecting you. Strangers you encounter out in the wild and will probably never see again aren’t worth the energy it takes to defend yourself.

Dealing with toxic people is an unavoidable part of life, but as you build your resilience, you’ll get better at recognizing which situations deserve your energy.

In The 33 Strategies of War, Robert Greene shares an empowering story about the famous abolitionist Frederick Douglass. While enslaved, Douglass was sent to Edward Covey, a notorious “slave breaker” known for beating enslaved people into submission. After months of abuse, Douglass finally fought back during a vicious two-hour struggle, risking severe punishment or even death. Covey never laid a hand on him again for the remainder of his time there. Douglass’s fight is a testament to the power of standing up for yourself, and I hope it inspires the same courage in you.

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Excerpt from “The 33 Strategies of War” by Robert Greene

“In 1833, Mr. Thomas Auld, the slaveholding owner of a plantation on Maryland’s Eastern Shore, summoned back his slave Frederick Douglass, fifteen years old at the time, from Baltimore, where Douglass had just spent seven years serving Auld’s brother. Now he was needed to work the fields of the plantation. But life in the city had changed Douglass in many ways, and to his chagrin he found it quite hard to disguise this from Auld. In Baltimore he had secretly managed to teach himself how to read and write, something no slave was allowed to do, for that would stimulate dangerous thoughts. On the plantation Douglass tried to teach as many slaves as possible to read; these efforts were quickly squashed. But what was worse for him was that he had developed a rather defiant attitude, what the slaveholder called impudence. He talked back to Auld, questioned some of his orders, and played all kinds of tricks to get more food. (Auld was notorious for keeping his slaves near starvation.) 

One day Auld informed Douglass that he was hiring him out for a year to Mr. Edward Covey, a nearby farm renter who had earned a reputation as a consummate “breaker of young Negroes.” Slaveholders would send him their most difficult slaves, and in exchange for their free labor Covey would beat every last ounce of rebellion out of them. Covey worked Douglass especially hard, and after a few months he was broken in body and spirit. He no longer desired to read books or engage in discussions with his fellow slaves. On his days off, he would crawl under the shade of a tree and sleep off his exhaustion and despair. 

One especially hot day in August 1834, Douglass became ill and fainted. The next thing he knew, Covey was hovering over him, hickory slab in hand, ordering him back to work. But Douglass was too weak. Covey hit him on the head, opening a deep wound. He kicked him a few times, but Douglass could not move. Covey finally left, intending to deal with him later.

Douglass managed to get to his feet, staggered to the woods, and somehow made his way back to Auld’s plantation. There he begged with Master Auld to keep him there, explaining Covey’s cruelty. Auld was unmoved. Douglass could spend the night but then must return to Covey’s farm. 

Making his way back to the farm, Douglass feared the worst. He told himself that he would do his best to obey Covey and somehow survive the weeks ahead. Arriving at the stables where he was supposed to work that day, he began his chores, when out of nowhere, like a snake, Covey slithered in, rope in hand. He lunged at Douglass, trying to get a slipknot on his leg and tie him up. He was clearly intending the thrashing to end all thrashings. 

Risking an even more intense beating, Douglass pushed Covey away and, without hitting him, kept him from getting the rope around his leg. At that moment something clicked in Douglass’s head. Every defiant thought that had been suffocated by his months of brutal labor came back to him. He was not afraid. Covey could kill him, but it was better to go down fighting for his life. 

Suddenly a cousin came to Covey’s aid, and, finding himself surrounded, Douglass did the unthinkable: he swung hard at the man and knocked him to the ground. Hitting a white man would most likely lead to his hanging. A “fighting madness” came over Douglass. He returned Covey’s blows. The struggle went on for two hours until, bloodied, exhausted, and gasping for breath, Covey gave up and slowly staggered back to his house. 

Douglass could only assume that Covey would now come after him with a gun or find some other way to kill him. It never happened. Slowly it dawned on Douglass: to kill him, or punish him in some powerful way, posed too great a risk. Word would get out that Covey had failed to break a Negro this one time, had had to resort to a gun when his terror tactics did not work. The mere hint of that would ruin his reputation far and wide, and his job depended on his perfect reputation. Better to leave the wild sixteen-year-old slave alone than risk the kind of crazy or unpredictable response Douglass had showed himself capable of. Better to let him calm down and go quietly away when his time of service there was over. 

For the rest of Douglass’s stay with Covey, the white man did not lay a hand on him. Douglass had noticed that slaveholders often “prefer to whip those who are most easily whipped.” Now he had learned the lesson for himself: never again would he be submissive. Such weakness only encouraged the tyrants to go further. He would rather risk death, returning blow for blow with his fists or his wits.”

Link to buy “The 33 Strategies Of War” by Robert Greene on Amazon