The Hardest 10 Years

Original Post Date – December 2019

As we close out this decade, I’ve been reflecting on the past ten years of my life. Mainly, how it went vs how I wished it did. In this blog post, I’m going to share a life-altering experience that shaped how 2010-2020 went for me.

The story begins in the second semester of my senior year of high school, just a few months before I was scheduled to graduate. I had been homeschooled for the last year or so, but returned to get my diploma on stage. When I got back, though, I was behind on the credits needed to graduate. To catch up, I had to take six different classes at my high school, a couple of adult classes at night, and a few courses at my local community college.

Most seniors only have a few classes and leave school early, but since I was so far behind, I was at school from morning to night and also attended a community college on weekends. From what I recall, I was failing nearly all of my classes. There were only a few months left before the semester ended, and I knew deep down I wasn’t going to graduate.

At this point in my life, I was also at the peak of my misbehavior. I was drinking, using drugs, and getting arrested on a regular basis. I was making my family’s life hell, but I felt no remorse and made a conscious decision to live how I wanted. One night, though, after years of looking down at me in disgust, God decided it was time for me to learn my lesson.

My fate was set in stone, and on Saturday, April 3rd, 2010, my life was changed forever.

I woke up that Saturday and met up with my friends to smoke weed and drink. We hung out all afternoon and had plans to attend a party later that evening. When it was time for the party to start, we headed over and partied until the cops shut it down. As soon as they arrived, I started walking to the front of the house to meet up with my friends and go home.

Once I reached the front yard, I stood for a moment and observed the chaos. There were fights, people scrambling to get to their cars, police sirens, and everything you’d expect from a high school party. I was pretty wasted at this point and trying to make sense of all the commotion.

While this was happening, one of my friends asked to borrow my phone to call her boyfriend because she couldn’t find him. I gave her my phone, and she ran off to look for him. Meanwhile, I got into a scuffle with someone out front and forgot about my phone. Shortly after my altercation, someone else came at me with something in their hand, and I pushed them and swung at them.

One of my friends rushed over and pulled me away. Then another friend grabbed me and told me to come with him. We walked back into the house, and he told me that this girl said I hit her. I couldn’t believe it, and I told him that the last time I saw her was when I gave her my phone.

My friend told me he didn’t know what happened but said people were looking for me outside. I told him I wanted to go and handle it, but he blocked me from leaving the house. We stayed inside until things calmed down, and eventually someone gave me a ride home.

I woke up the next day feeling confused. Then my cousin came to my room and told me that one of my friends was at the door and wanted to talk to me. I got out of bed and went to the front door, where one of my best friends, who was ironically named Daniel, was waiting for me. He asked me what happened and told me this girl said I hit her. I told him I didn’t touch her, and on top of that, she ran off with my phone.

While we were talking, I started wondering how Daniel got to my house, since he didn’t have a car at the time. It was strange for him to show up uninvited like this, and something didn’t feel right. We kept talking, and he told me her boyfriend wanted to fight me and then asked what I wanted to do.

I briefly thought about it and told Daniel I’d have to fight him. It was unfortunate because I thought her boyfriend was a cool guy, but I didn’t have a choice. Daniel assured me the fight would be fair and said he’d have my back if anyone tried to jump in. I said okay, and told him to wait while I put my shoes on and got ready.

At the time, I lived across the street from a middle school and told Daniel to have the guy meet me there. As we walked, Daniel tossed me a lighter and told me to put it inside my fist and use it to add some weight behind my punches. Once we got to the school, I hopped over the fence, and as soon as I landed, I realized I was about to get my ass beat. I was hungover as hell from the night before and wasn’t in any condition to fight.

I started walking across the playground and saw the guy I was supposed to scrap with. Eventually we met face-to-face and started trading punches, but while we were fighting, I felt someone hit me in the back of my head. I stumbled back and saw a few people rushing me.

I shot Daniel a look that said, “Yo, I’m getting jumped. I need help,” and he stared blankly at the ground. I realized at that moment he set me up. Then I got knocked to the ground and kicked a few times before Daniel said, “That’s enough,” and they backed off and walked to a getaway car.

I stood there, bloodied up, for a few seconds and had a moment of clarity. It was almost as if when they kicked me on the ground, some of my brain cells got moved back into place, and for the first time, I realized I had to change. I had turned into a lowlife scumbag and knew I couldn’t keep living like this. I still didn’t understand what happened the night before, but I knew this was a sign.

I walked back to my house and decided to quit drugs and alcohol, and drop out of school to get my life together. I knew hard times were ahead, but I felt like it was the right call.

I went to school shortly after this incident to return my books. On the way in, I ran into a group of girls I knew, and they started laughing at me. My spirits were way down, and I felt like such a fucking loser. Then I walked inside the main office, and the girl who borrowed my phone was standing right there. As soon as we locked eyes, she gave me the evilest smile I’ve ever seen.

The only thing I could compare it to is the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to; her smile basically said, “Look at what I did to your life.”

I finished returning my books and went home.

By now, everyone I knew was talking shit about me. Rumors were spreading, and I suddenly became the laughingstock of my community. While all this was happening, my family also had to move out of our house because we could no longer afford to live there. Almost overnight, my entire life “got flipped turned upside down” just like Will Smith said in the Fresh Prince intro.

What made everything harder was that right when this happened, I quit using drugs and alcohol. I was already starting to slip into a deep depression, but that, combined with all the drugs leaving my system, made everything ten times worse. Unfortunately, it took this event to motivate me to get sober, and now I had to get clean on the universe’s terms and not mine.

I had to deal with agonizing withdrawal symptoms because I quit everything cold turkey. I was in pain every day and my mind wouldn’t stop racing. I could never fall asleep at night, and I started having seizures while lying down. My heart would beat fast, and my arm would randomly start shaking. When I finally did fall asleep, I’d have vivid dreams that didn’t make sense.

The lack of sleep affected me at work too because I’d show up exhausted. During my breaks, I’d sit outside staring at the clouds, wondering how my life got to this point.

As time passed, the reality of what happened began to sink in. If nobody calls you for a week or so, you might think nothing of it, but as years went by without anyone reaching out to me, I realized nobody cared about me anymore. I was looked at as that guy who hit a girl and dropped out of school after getting jumped. What made it even more humiliating was that the kids who jumped me weren’t even in my grade. I was a senior, and they were tenth graders.

Since I no longer had any friends, I spent most of the next decade in isolation. I tried to make friends here and there, but I was so unsatisfied with my life that I was miserable everywhere I went. I spent most of my time at home reading, writing, and making music. I remember one time I got in a fight with a family member who called me “a wannabe rapper with no friends.” I wanted to be a rapper, so I didn’t take offense to that part, but boy, did it hurt when she said I didn’t have friends, because the truth was I didn’t have any.

I felt hopeless and had never felt like such a failure before. It felt like I died and no longer existed.

I was in so much pain, I thought about killing myself to end my misery. The isolation drove me insane, and my mind was pushed to the absolute limit. I felt defeated. I knew my family would be devastated if I killed myself, though, and I couldn’t bring that kind of sadness upon them — especially my grandmother, who I loved more than anything.

The isolation did give me time to reflect on my life, though. When you’re alone, there’s nothing to do but think about the choices you’ve made. I spent many nights lying in bed thinking about my life, and I found myself.

Eventually, I decided to move forward and stop drowning in my sorrows. While it’s understandable for someone to feel sad during a dark period, you have to move on with your life at some point. I realized I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself, and it was time to end my pity party.

Awkwardly enough, one day I ran into the guy who had set me up to get jumped at Target. I said “wassup” to him and wished him the best, not because I’m self-righteous, but because I’ve lost so much time that I can’t afford to walk around bitter anymore. I also ran into the girl I accidentally hit; she worked at a gym I went to. When I ran into her, I was still confused about what had happened, so I didn’t say anything.

Years later, I found out what had really happened. I didn’t know she was trying to return my phone until a mutual acquaintance told me. For years, I believed she had stolen my phone and made up the story that I attacked her. Once I learned the truth, I went back to the gym to apologize to her in person, but she no longer worked there. Eventually, I reached out to her on social media, and she accepted my apology.

When I see her in person, I’ll definitely apologize face to face, but for now, that will have to suffice.

I wish I could end this on a positive note, but I have to go off on a tangent about how, during the hardest time of my life, every one of my friends turned their back on me. I could’ve bought a 500-page Where’s Waldo? book, taken off my glasses, and found Waldo on every page faster than I could’ve found any of my friends throughout this entire catastrophe.

While I was going through all this, I kept thinking about 2Pac’s famous prison interview where he said, ‘Fear is stronger than love,’ a quote he borrowed from the philosopher Niccolò Machiavelli.

The quote reads,

“Upon this a question arises: whether it be better to be loved than feared or feared than loved? It may be answered that one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, it is much safer to be feared than loved, when, of the two, either must be dispensed with. Because this is to be asserted in general of men, that they are ungrateful, fickle, false, cowardly, covetous, and as long as you succeed, they are yours entirely; they will offer you their blood, property, life, and children, as is said above, when the need is far distant, but when it approaches, they turn against you.”

As I reflected on everything that had happened, I began to understand what 2Pac and Machiavelli meant when they said, ‘Fear is stronger than love.’ I thought about all the times my friends told me they would always have my back, but the moment I found myself in a serious situation, all that went out the window.

Most of my friends just stopped calling me. Some would act cool when they ran into me in one-on-one situations, but I’d find out later they were talking shit about me when hanging out with others. It was so unsettling, and I had no idea who I could trust anymore. There was even one time I was hanging out with my “friend”, and they denied knowing me. Someone on the phone asked my friend who they were hanging out with, and my friend said Daniel. The person on the phone said, “Najar?” and my friend replied, “Naw, why would I be with him?”

Now, I’m the furthest thing from Jesus Christ, but it reminded me of the Bible story where Jesus gets arrested, and a girl calls out his disciple Peter for being a follower of Christ. Peter denies knowing him to avoid getting in trouble. Well, here, my so called “friend” was doing the same thing, acting like he wasn’t with me when I was standing right there in front of him.

I went home that day feeling so hurt, and you know what’s ironic about this second situation involving one of my friends? The guy I was hanging out with was named Jesus (Hay-Zus).

God, you have a sick sense of humor.

This whole experience was brutal, and it showed me that even though I thought I had a lot of friends, I was ultimately all alone in this world. The intensity of this crisis made me fully understand my mortality, and I saw how anybody (even your closest friends) could change on you in a bad situation. You can get a master’s degree in psychology, but nothing will teach you more about human nature than running into a situation where your social standing is damaged, and it becomes dangerous to be associated with you.

With that being said, though, I have to take responsibility for my actions. Everything that happened could’ve been avoided, and this whole fiasco was my fault for a couple of reasons.

1. I attended a party my parents didn’t give me permission to go to
2. I stayed out past my curfew
3. I was drinking alcohol when I was well under the legal drinking age
4. I was drunk and high off pills

In this story, I’m the villain, and had I not done those things, I would’ve never ended up in this position.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would’ve turned out if I had told this girl ‘No’ when she asked to borrow my phone. Or what if I had left my phone at home that day, or my battery had died that evening? Chances are, I would’ve continued down the dark path I was on. I know if this hadn’t happened, I likely would’ve ended up in an even worse situation later on. To make peace with everything that happened, I tell myself it was just my fate and something that was ‘meant to be.’

When I think about what I went through, I realize most people will never experience a fall from grace like this. You might log onto social media and see a public figure going through a scandal, but the chances of something like that happening to you are slim to none. Regardless, I hope people can learn from my experience.

My advice is as follows: Never do anything you know is wrong. Never change who you are to gain the approval of others. I sold my soul to the devil so I could become more popular, but the money Satan bought it with was fake. I’ll admit, I felt cool for a while, but it wasn’t worth it. My thirst for validation led me to make one bad decision after another until eventually, my luck ran out and I found myself in a situation nobody could save me from. My biggest regret in life is deviating from my authentic self to fit in with people who ultimately forsook me in the end.

I also feel terrible for the pain I inflicted on my family. Now that my family members are getting older, I’m starting to appreciate them more. They always worked hard and did their best to take care of me, and I disobeyed them for years because I wanted to fit in with the popular crowd. It really hurts because none of the people I disrespected them for even bothered to call me or check on me once over the course of a decade.

This experience taught me many priceless lessons, lessons that may even take me to great heights one day, but despite that, I can’t help but feel sad when I think about how things could’ve gone. I could’ve graduated from high school on stage, gone to college and partied with friends, had a girlfriend, or experienced any of the other things young people go through. Instead, I spent just about every day from 2010 to 2020 (from when I was 17 to almost 30) alone, with nobody to talk to or hang out with.

These were easily the worst years of my life, and I can’t even begin to explain how lonely and depressed I felt during this time period. I don’t even know how there’s water left in my eyes after all the nights I spent crying myself to sleep.

Throughout my 20s, I was stuck reliving the same memories from my childhood and teenage years because I never went out and had new experiences. It’s depressing when you really think about it, and I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of regret because I never got the chance to live and experience life. It’s something that weighs on me more and more as time passes because, as you get older, you begin to understand the value of time, and I’ve lost an unbelievable amount of it.

What’s done is done, though, and I have to make the best out of the rest of my life. Things have gotten a lot better, and I’ve come a long way. I still have a long way to go, but at least I’m back on my feet and headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, I had to destroy my life to become the man I always was, but that’s what it took, and now I’m ready to come back reborn.

Here’s to a better decade.